Alone but not lonely

I'm on my own nearly all of the time.

Walking all day, doing stuff by myself, I wonder, what do I think about? Maybe my mind is empty, that's not a bad thing I suppose.

A few years ago I would of been terrified if I knew I was going to end up like this; not many friends, doing my own thing. How will I cope without lots of interaction with people? Well, I'm managing just fine, thank you.

It's funny, I don't see myself as a loner. I'm happy to talk to people I meet on the streets, in coffee shops or pubs. Anywhere. Only a quick chat, hoping I've left a nice impression on them. Maybe that is my weakness, I don't feel I'm like others when it comes to talking to someone for the first time. I worry that I come across a bit stand offish? Sometimes,  I'm talking to a lady that I find attractive and my pulse has quickened. I think, afterwards, did I come across as not interested, too laid back, should I have made more of an effort?

Everybody wants to be liked, I'm no different.

But, to counteract that, what you see is the real me. I don't hide behind a false persona. I can't be something I'm not.

The more time I spend on my own the less bored I am, does that make sense? I'm not saying that I find people boring, quite the opposite. It's great to talk to strangers for a while, get a snap shot of their life. I never judge people or say bad things about them, because you just don't know what is going on in their life, what stress they are having to deal with.

I'm that person sat in the corner of the pub, drinking orange juice, I'm not offering a threat to anyone or looking to be the centre of attention. They say still waters run deep, maybe I'm becoming that man.

Sure, I know people look at me when I'm on my own, I've seen it enough times, but it just doesn't bother me.

I write stuff on here and post my activities on strava, that is more as a place to keep my memories,  but I'd never dream of telling people I'd only just met about my recent bike trip or my running, or anything about my life. Do they want to hear that? Are they interested?

If it comes up in conversation then that's fine but I'm not walking around saying, Hey, look at me.

I do wonder if I was sharing my life  experiences with someone then would it be twice as good?

Questions, always questions. 

In two days I'm going to Manchester to a concert, King Creosote. I probably won't talk to anyone from the moment I leave the house to get the train. I don't mind at all. I'll just drift amongst the crowds. I can't wait. I'll cry at the gig.

I don't feel I'm stuck in a rut. It's good to be able to slow my life down, go where I want and do whatever I choose. I'm sure a day will come when I meet someone who has my mindset and likes me for who I am. I'm not many different people, I'm just me, always level temperament. I'm starting to see that now. I don't like anger or conflict. I never have.

So, I'm alone. Don't feel sorry for me. At this stage of my life it's fine. I'm out walking, taking photos, listening to good music, reading books. I'm doing all these things on my own. Growing into myself, step by step. 

I'm happy.